Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you fail to convince the Dragons Den that a brand of crisps called ‘Thin Feels’ will be a success because of the slogan ‘Nothing tastes better than thin feels’.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An awkward moment on Friday when you play the Facebook game where the colour of your pants and the last thing you ate gives you your band name ‘Black & White Minstrels’.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No I don’t think that ‘Delilah’ in Welsh is spelled ‘Yyy’, actually.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
To show your disapproval you like to kiss your teeth. Then put them back in again.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Remember the old adage Dance like nobody’s watching and sing like nobody’s listening because believe me, absolutely nobody is.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not avoid the disappointment of Game Of Thrones spoilers by growing up, for Christ’s sake?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
With London house prices rising 18% in the last year, the tumble drier box you’ve been living in must be worth literally pennies.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The kids’ egg hunt in your back garden on Sunday takes an unfortunate turn as one of them finds out what happened to that lodger you used to have.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Warmer weather means longer, more summery cocktails so why not try a dash of orange juice in the potato peelings you’ve been fermenting in the bath?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You refuse to criticise Nigel Farage for his expenses discrepancies until you’ve finished criticising every other thing about him.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In a multiple-choice exam, if you’re not sure of the answer just put ‘B’. Unless they ask which was the best Mel in the Spice Girls.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Please verify your star sign by sending in a birth certificate. And your pin number.