How are you ignoring heatwave advice you’ve been hearing for the last 20 years?

PLUCKY Britons are currently ignoring decades of advice about what to do in a heatwave. So what stupid things have you decided it’s OK to do?

Leap into unfamiliar water
There’s no way water can be shallower than you think or full of shopping trolleys. Particularly stupid given all the chilling 1970s public information films about water featuring fairly unambiguous characters such as the Grim Reaper.

Go ahead with a reckless activity
Are you planning to take a group of elderly pensioners up Snowdonia on the hottest day of the year? Just take plenty of choc ices and everything should be fine.

Become dangerously dehydrated
‘Stay hydrated’ is something you only hear every day when it’s hot, so it’s clearly namby-pamby nanny state nonsense. Drink very little water then wonder why you are hallucinating talking vegetables in Asda.

Keep your garden sprinklers on all the time
The socially responsible thing to do. As your neighbours queue in the street for emergency water supplies they’ll be cheered up no end by your lush, immaculate lawn.

Get pissed outdoors and horribly sunburned
It’s a scientific fact that UV light cannot penetrate alcohol-induced overconfidence. In any case your blistered, bright-red skin will soon turn into a tan, as you can explain as you ramble deliriously in A&E.

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England fan to savour next penalty shootout as if it were a fine wine

AN England fan is planning to savour the team’s next penalty shootout as if it were a fine, vintage wine.

Nathan Muir confirmed that following last night’s game he no longer fears penalties because England are sure to win them, and next time will make sure he enjoys every delectable moment.

He continued: “Can you believe I was covering my eyes at points? So uncultured. So gauche.

“If we’re so lucky as to go to penalties against Sweden on Saturday, I won’t miss a moment. Even if they save one I may pause the broadcast to wallow in the despair that I know will shortly lift.

“I’ll relish every twist and turn as one would a thrilling rollercoaster ride, drinking in the adrenaline in the confidence that it’s perfectly safe because our boys will win beyond any doubt.

“I hope we miss the first one next time. That would give proceedings such a piquant sense of peril, before we inevitably triumph and go through to the semi-finals.”

He added: “Mmm, penalties. So moreish. I imagine this is just how Gareth Southgate feels.”