How are you pretending to be busy at work?

WHAT devious techniques are you using to look as if you’re working when you’re not? Read our guide – and maybe even learn some new ways to skive!

Unnecessary photocopying

Bad for the environment, but great when you’ve got a hangover. If someone asks why you just spent an hour copying paper documents, angrily reply: “At least some of us are prepared for a cyber attack, Gavin!”

Internet skiving 2.0

Nowadays everyone knows you’d rather be browsing than working, so cover your back by loudly shouting out, “Has anyone else’s spreadsheets been hacked by Facebook?”

Carry an Important Document at all times

This makes you look as if you’re doing something vital when you’re just going for a relaxing stroll round the building. If you’ve printed out a Batman comic to read in the lift make sure the top sheet is something business-related, such as your company’s plunging profit figures.

Become a ‘mentor’

Offer to ‘mentor’ a younger colleague. You’ll discover you can actually get paid for nothing more taxing than listening to their pathetic fantasies about joining the ‘management stream’.

To block out their dreary, naive ramblings put in your earphones and claim they’re hearing aids because you are so old and wise, even if you’re 31.

Organise bullshit meetings

Good meetings can really achieve something. Those are the wrong meetings. Organise something unfocused and pointless such as a ‘creative innovation and efficiency brainstorm’, with sushi.

Take charge of all the activities that aren’t really work

Booking a Christmas do, watering the plants, buying doughnuts – these are all piss-easy activities you can offer to do and look like a ‘team player’ to boot.

Be warned though – secretaries got wise to this years ago and may resent you trying to muscle in on their scam. Watch your back in case they try to ‘whack’ you in the underground car park.