How to be poor on £80,000 a year

ARE you in the top five per cent of the earning population but need to convince everyone you’re struggling to make ends meet? Here’s how: 

Misunderstand tax rates

Deliberately have no grasp on how your income is taxed and then use that misinformation to attack a political manifesto on Question Time. Conveniently overlook the fact that Labour policies will only leave you out of pocket to the tune of £21 per month, you tight sod.

Have no idea what other people earn

Doctors must be earning heaps more than your IT consultancy wage because they’re actually doing something worthwhile, right? And if they’re rich you must be poor because that’s how the economy works.

Compare yourself to royalty

Ignore the sizeable chunk of the population that relies on food banks and instead consider how hard done by you are in comparison to the Royal Family. While they swan about in castles and palaces, you have to make do with scraping around in your second home in St Ives.

Look at what £80K could buy you in Victorian times

Eighty grand is a pittance in 2019, but in the 1800s it could’ve bought you Wales or a flat in zone 1. This might not be entirely true, but it’s the sort of thing common sense expert and man of the people Jacob Rees-Mogg would say.

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The middle-class guide to choosing a pet

GUINEA pigs and goldfish too common for your darling little prodigies? Try these pretentious pets instead: 

Want everyone to know you’ve got a one-and-a-half acre garden? These animals are big and impressive but impossible to ride so you won’t waste money on lessons and equipment for Matilda and Laurent. Plus you can use its wool to make a shrug.

Armadillo lizard
Looks like a dragon, requires hardly any care and does so little that once you’re bored of it you can sell it complete with vivarium on eBay and the children won’t even notice it’s gone.

Micro pig
Like a puppy but more kooky, and ideal for sensitive flowers allergic to pet hair. It may end up growing into a 25-stone monster, but it’ll be organically raised so simply pop it round the butcher to be turned into bacon when the kids get bored of it.

Koi carp
Koi carp are basically expensive goldfish on steroids. Not very cuddly but perfect for proving you’ve got cash to burn when they see the Instagram photos of you feeding them from a little bridge.

Essentially fancy rats, chinchillas offer the same skittish movements and nasty little teeth as more basic rodents, but in a luxurious fur coat. Ideal if you want something that won’t last very long.

‘Adopted’ whale
Pets too much hassle? Rather than admitting it, tell the kids the most worthy and sustainable thing to do is to pay to ‘adopt’ a pet. They’ll be impressed because whales are massive, and you won’t have to clean up any dung.