How to drive on the motorway

IT IS surprisingly easy to drive on the motorway, even if you are a stupid bastard.

As new legislation is set to allow learner drivers on motorways, there is no better time to discover how Britain’s big roads aren’t just demented Mad Max-style tarmac battlegrounds, they apparently have ‘rules’.

Here are the main ones –

Many people assume the motorway speed limit is 70mph. It’s actually 104mph although if it’s late at night and there are no coppers around you can go as fast as you like. Every day the fastest driver wins a £50 book token from Theresa May.

If you need to take a toilet break, it’s fine to pull over and urinate in full view of other motorists, but remember to give them a dirty look like it’s their problem, not yours.

The left lane is for lorry drivers so that they can swerve into the hard shoulder while texting or watching the football. The middle lane is for quietly determined pensioners and strange shaggy-hairs couples with one or more large dogs in the back. The right-hand lane is for the drivers of German cars and their prey.

There is no law as such on the motorway, and it is actually fine to shoot other drivers with a crossbow, especially if they have a caravan.

The motorway is basically a straight line so you don’t need to pay attention to driving. It’s better to focus on spotting birds of prey, laughing at people who have pulled over to throw up or simply letting your imagination take you to a distant planet of sexy alien women who look like the fit one off Countdown.

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I paid fifty-five quid to see a film I've seen before, London man tells northern parents

A MAN who lives in London has admitted to his northern parents that he paid £55 for a ‘cinema experience’.

Tom Logan, originally from Sheffield, paid to see Secret Cinema’s presentation of Blade Runner, which seemed like a fine idea until he explained it to his 65-year-old father.

Gordon Logan said: “You bloody what? For that one with Han Solo and the German lad from the Guinness adverts?

“Never seen it on the big screen? I’ve been round your flat. The telly takes up half the bloody wall.

“Dress up? Who dresses up? You dress up? What as, a Japanese? Shouldn’t be doing that. They say it’s racist.

“Fifty-five quid for a film. I knew this would happen when you moved that bloody awful place.”

Tom Logan added: “I tried to explain to him that it was a ‘cinema experience’, but was ultimately forced to agree that I was ‘talking out of my arse’.”