Woman who lives for weekend has another shit weekend

A WOMAN who lives for the weekend has had yet another dreadful weekend, she has admitted.

Emma Bradford, who works in low-paid temp jobs because she only cares about having absolutely legendary two-day breaks, stayed in, watched a film, and stayed in again.

She said: “I spend all week counting down to Friday, saying ‘three days!’ to all my colleagues. It’s basically my mantra. Everyone in the office loves it.

“I was so hyped – girls’ night Friday, mate’s bar opening Saturday, big date Sunday – that work even let me put my party playlist on. And leave 15 minutes early if I promised to tell them all about it on Monday.

“But when I arrived only two girls had shown up, and they were the shit ones. They only managed two drinks before they had to go early, so I was home on the settee on my own by 9pm.

“The bar opening got cancelled so I ended up watching the new Star Wars with my dorky brother, and the date didn’t happen because I’d tried to get him out on Friday night and then called him a ‘boring, dickless bastard’ when he said no.

“I don’t know what I’ll tell the office. Probably make something up. Oh well, five days to Friday!”

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Blood drains from man's face as he realises this is a vegan cafe

A MAN queuing at a cafe has realised too late that it only sells vegan things which taste unpleasant.

Tom Logan entered the Willow Tree in Bristol hoping to buy a cheese and pickle bap and a large piece of chocolate cake, not realising that the establishment forgoes meat, dairy, and all things that bring joy.

However the earthy, bleak nature of the produce did not dawn on him until he was already being served.

Logan said: “A cold feeling crept over me as the counter assistant explained that they use something called Cheddarise Dairy Alternative Paste.

“Apparently it’s delicious. It doesn’t look delicious though. It likes like an abomination and if it could talk I’m fairly sure it would beg me to kill it.”

Logan then asked about cakes: “To her credit, the woman explained that all the vegan cakes are not very nice and I would be better off at Greggs.”

He added: “I bought a wrap full of bean mulch and salad leaves, it actually tasted fine although it looked very much like something a kestrel might line its nest with.”