ARE you about to be trapped inside a metal box on wheels with your family for hours on end? Here’s how to survive:
Save yourself having to answer 60 annoying questions per minute by making a playlist featuring recordings of you saying ‘we’ll be there when we f*cking get there’, ‘I don’t know who that driver is, I just waved to say thank you’ and ‘urinate into the bottle’.
Avoid having to explain what ‘stupid old w*nker’ and ‘f*ckhead lorry driver’ means while you are on the motorway, by teaching them all the swear words before you leave.
When the kids ask ‘are we nearly there?’ 30 seconds into the journey, shut them up by explaining that, ‘yes, we are nearly there, because we are going on holiday in that big f*cking wheely bin at the end of our drive’.
Do not enter a service station – even just to use the toilet. They are filled with ghastly people and everything is expense and sh”*t. Apart from Tebay on the M6 where it’s just expensive.
Sod the f*cking lot of them. Get the train and meet them there.
