How to have a Brexit themed Halloween party

Not everyone can come as dressed as Farage, Rees-Mogg or Britain’s innate xenophobia. Dress up as a tomato that will cost twice as much as it used to, or dress as Jeremy Corbyn and pretend you’re not enjoying yourself.

Sangria is now the devil’s juice box, so throw together a delicious Brexit punch using Fairy Liquid and ‘authentic’ cider brewed in a filthy barn in Somerset that is guarded by geese.

Don’t bother with a play list, just hire Brexit supporter Roger Daltrey to belt out Baba O’Riley over and over again. Roger singing ‘Out here in the fields, I fight for my meals, I get my back into my living’ will prepare you for all that fruit-picking you’ll have to do next September.

Everyone writes down a solution to the Irish Border question on a Rizla paper and sticks it to someone else’s forehead. And then you all kick the shit out of each other.

The clean up
It may just be one night but it will take years to clean up this god-awful mess. The secret is: don’t bother. Just live in a squalid hellhole for the rest of your life.

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Vegan spends 90 per cent of time trying to catch out other vegans

A VEGAN spends 90 per cent of his waking hours policing other vegans for dietary infractions, he has confirmed. 

Thom Logan, who has been a vegan longer than anyone else, suspects all other vegans of secretly not being vegans when he is not looking and is determined to expose their hypocrisy once and for all.

He said: “Had some chocolate did you? What brand? What bar? Yeah that one’s alright. For now.

“You’d be surprised how many products there are that vegans, or call themselves that, think are okay but actually contain animal products. Or dairy. Don’t think you can sneak dairy past me.

“No you don’t get ‘cheat days’. If you even once let a Crinkly Veg crisp pass your lips – prepared with whey, murderer – you are not a vegan and have never been a vegan.

“I personally have stopped six people claiming to be vegans who were false vegans lying about being vegans. And I will never rest.”

Donna Sheridan said: “Thom caught me drinking orange juice fortified with Omega-3 from fish oils. Now I have to have sausages for tea and bacon sandwiches at the weekend.”