How to have a serious discussion while still drunk from last night

YOU over did it last night. Of course you did. But now you’re in a meeting and you’ve got to come across like you’re not still quite drunk and you have the faintest idea what’s going on…

Speak clearly
Obviously, you’ll slur your words a little bit due to the nine pints of lager and half a bottle of wine, but if you concentrate hard then you should still be able to say, ‘I think we should be doing more cold calling,’ and not have it come out as, ‘I think more cold saws if anything’.

Don’t fall asleep
It would be the easiest thing in the world to just fall asleep in the middle of this meeting but don’t. Being literally asleep during an early morning meeting can be a real giveaway that you’re still drunk from the night before, especially if you wake up from your brief booze fuelled nightmare and accidentally declare, ‘I’m late for my rhinoplasty,’ after waking up in the middle of what Pat from HR was saying about people always cleaning their own dishes after using them.

Walk confidently
Walking is probably the last thing you want to do right now but it will be necessary to some degree. So just stride into the meeting and shake everyone’s hand before getting down to business and don’t trip over an imagined dog that you saw on the floor, before toppling into the table spilling everyone’s tea. But even if you do, then as long as you adhere to 1 and 2, you should be able to pull it back.

In summary, even if you are still drunk from last night (and you definitely are, you stink of it for Christ’s sake) then just speak clearly, walk confidently and when you do fall asleep try to wake up with a shock so you’ll at least look like you were paying even a little bit of attention.

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Loud sneezers told to get a f**king grip

LETTING rip with the deafening roar of a shotgun blast impresses absolutely no-one, loud sneezers have been informed.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sneezes happen, I get that. But I draw the line when people seem physically satisfied for somehow creating a noise that’s louder than glass bottles being tipped into the recycling.

“I know there’s a danger that if you hold in a sneeze you might rupture your eardrums, but how likely is that really?

“And if that does happen your name might end up in a medical journal. It’s a small price for fame.

“Meanwhile, teeny-tiny sneezers can f**k off as well. You’re expelling air and snot, so don’t try and act like some sort of Beatrix Potter character. It’s manky.”

Loud sneezer Martin Bishop said: “My ear-splitting sneezes are a substitute for my lack of personality. A couple of violent sternutations provide an engaging conversation topic for those around me. They really make the days fly by.

“I will sulk if you don’t say ‘bless you’.”