How to make sure every single conversation ends up being about you

DO you hate listening to people tediously drone on about themselves when you’re clearly much more interesting? Here’s how to steer the conversation round.

Pretend to empathise by telling a very long story about yourself
When someone is sharing their boring problems, say ‘Yes, it’s just like the time I…’ and then don’t let them get a word in edgeways for the next three hours.

Suddenly start sobbing like a traumatised child
Pretend you suddenly remembered the time your guinea pig fell in the waste disposal unit and attention will once again be on you. Poor Mr Snuffles. What a terrible way to go.

Ask them if they’ve realised they talk about themselves a lot
The move of the arch manipulator, this will ensure they feel embarrassed and awful and clear the conversational path for you to ramble up and down for pretty much as long as you please.

Make up some worse problems
If someone starts telling you they had a bad day at work because the kettle was broken, jump in and tell them about the time your office exploded. Omit to mention that it was actually just a lightbulb and you weren’t exactly fleeing for your life from falling rubble.

Jump out of a window
Not only will everyone be talking about you immediately, but you can milk it for weeks whilst wearing a neck brace.

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Spice Girls headlining Glastonbury 'will end world'

IF the Spice Girls top the bill at the Glastonbury Festival, the world will cease to exist, it has been confirmed.

Experts have warned Glastonbury boss Michael Eavis that he holds the fate of the planet in his hands and urged him to book someone like Foo Fighters instead.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “As the opening notes of Spice Up Your Life are vomited though the loudspeakers, we can expect the moon to turn blood red.

“Waves of lava will then descend from the heavens and everyone and everything will melt.”

He added: “As a society we have become so debased that we would even entertain the possibility of 2 Become 1 being performed on the Pyramid Stage.

“We will deserve our fate.”