How to organise a bleak self-employed Christmas party

EVEN if you are self-employed, you can still organise a work Christmas party where you end up drunkenly humiliating yourself.

Here’s how to have a workplace Christmas party even if you just work alone in a cold, empty home office.

Get very drunk very quickly
If you are celebrating solo there’s no boring conversation to slow down the key business of drinking. Bonus points if you sneak off to the loo and pretend to snort a line of talcum powder.

Hit on yourself, a pet or an inanimate object
In the days that you worked with other human beings, you could at least chat up other human beings. Now your choices of life form will likely be limited to the cat or a spider plant. Alternately try to have sex with a chair.

Quietly slag off the bastard who won’t let you have more money
Wish you earned more money but you’re being held back by that lazy bastard who can’t be bothered to do any work? That bastard is you.

Get a bit cocky and tell yourself you are a twat
Always wanted to tell your boss to his face that he’s a petty, under-qualified jobsworth? That’s you too, so go for it, and throw in a badly aimed punch for good measure.

Freak out that you’re going to sack yourself and start crying
Wake up the next morning with a stabbing headache and a creeping dread about what happened the night before. Spend all morning convinced the cat is giving you funny looks, then confide tearfully in the spider plant, wrapping its consoling tendrils around your sobbing, naked frame.