Random shit things in a basket apparently a 'hamper'

A WICKER basket containing some biscuits and tea bags is apparently a fabulous Victorian-style Christmas hamper, it has been confirmed.

The contents of so-called hampers have left some recipients wondering if they are just a scam to pass off a random assortment of disappointing supermarket items as a sumptuous luxury feast.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “A Christmas hamper should be massive and stuffed with traditional treats like candied fruit, cured meats, whatever ‘figgy pudding’ is and a whole goose.

“However when my sister sent me a hamper it was just two bottles of poor quality chardonnay and some horrible Scottish oatmeal biscuits that medieval peasants probably ate just to stay alive.

“I got another from my mum consisting mostly of unremarkable chutney and pieces of cheese. She may as well have just come round and handed me things out of my fridge.

“Don’t get me started on hampers full of toiletries. If you’re genuinely excited about receiving a box of moisturiser and shower gel you should probably kill yourself.”

Accountant Tom Logan said: “I love giving people hampers because they have to sound grateful even if you’ve basically sent them some Asda smoked salmon and Londis jam with fancy labels on.

“This year my in-laws are getting one with three different types of dill and horseradish sauce, which is what I imagine the Devil’s spunk tastes like.”

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Labour confirms Brexit strategy as pandering to shouty Northern bastards

LABOUR’S Brexit strategy mainly consists of not upsetting angry Northern men like the ones on Question Time, senior MPs have revealed.

The party feels it is best to pretend to support Brexit due to terrifyingly furious voters from Barnsley who appear to be permanently on the brink of a heart attack.

Shadow home secretary Diane Abbott said: “Brexit is clearly rubbish but you try explaining that to people who fly off the handle if you suggest mass deportations aren’t totally brilliant.

“Sadly we need their votes, so it’s best to pretend they’re blameless ordinary folk who feel left behind by globalisation, not xenophobic, tabloid-addled morons.

“Therefore we feel the best policy is to support Brexit but sort of oppose it. It’s not very principled but it’s preferable to getting 50,000 emails from nutters who want the SAS to ‘take out’ Barnier.”

Rochdale resident Roy Hobbs said: “I really respect Labour for accepting the will of the people. However I won’t be voting for them because they’re mostly poofs.

“My doctor says I have to stop ranting or I won’t make it to 70 but that’s typical of so-called experts who hate democracy.”