How to play Connect Four with Theresa May

Rule 1. If it looks like she’s going to lose, the game will be cancelled.

Rule 2. She is allowed to choose to be red and then suddenly change her mind to yellow half way through. You are not. You can’t be trusted to change your mind.

Rule 3. Even if you’ve arrived with a fun and friendly attitude, May will create a ‘hostile environment’ around the game which will make you want to stop playing and run away. She will count this as a victory.

Rule 4. If May doesn’t like the way the game is going, she will offer you a deal: either she wins, or she opens the catch at the bottom and the little discs fall out in a great big mess all over the table and the floor. And you have to pick them up.

Rule 5. In fact, you always have to pick up after the game because she is allowed to go round trashing everything whilst you just suffer the consequences.

Rule 6. If you have got four in a row, Theresa will insist that the game is actually called Connect Five, or maybe Connect Nine. When you object, she will say you can get into the nitty-gritty of that later, once she has won.

Rule 7. When pushed far enough, you should set the game on fire and tell her to get f***ing stuffed.

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Artisan gin producers really scraping the weirdly-flavoured barrel

ARTISAN gin manufacturers have no idea if there are any palatable flavours left, they have admitted.

Creators of flavoured gins have already used rhubarb, ginger, elderflower, rhubarb and ginger, chilli, salted caramel, parma violet, lemon drizzle cake and beef and believe there can at best be only a handful of flavours left.

Gin distiller Roy Hobbs said: “We’ve hit a wall. The other day someone seriously proposed bourbon-flavoured gin, and it took me a minute before I said ‘shut up’.

“It happens to all industries. They ran out of new ice-cream flavours back in the 90s but at least they could just start throwing cookie dough and shit in. We’ve got to remain liquid.

“Over the next six months you’ll see kumquat gin, liquorice gin, cheese ’n’ onion gin, durian fruit gin, a lovely pepsin, cubeb and camphor blend gin, Olde English Spangle gin, and king prawn gin. Then we’re done.”

Hobbs added: “We could, of course, just go back to traditional gin, flavoured with juniper berries but it tastes fucking awful.”