How to play Connect Four with Theresa May

Rule 1. If it looks like she’s going to lose, the game will be cancelled.

Rule 2. She is allowed to choose to be red and then suddenly change her mind to yellow half way through. You are not. You can’t be trusted to change your mind.

Rule 3. Even if you’ve arrived with a fun and friendly attitude, May will create a ‘hostile environment’ around the game which will make you want to stop playing and run away. She will count this as a victory.

Rule 4. If May doesn’t like the way the game is going, she will offer you a deal: either she wins, or she opens the catch at the bottom and the little discs fall out in a great big mess all over the table and the floor. And you have to pick them up.

Rule 5. In fact, you always have to pick up after the game because she is allowed to go round trashing everything whilst you just suffer the consequences.

Rule 6. If you have got four in a row, Theresa will insist that the game is actually called Connect Five, or maybe Connect Nine. When you object, she will say you can get into the nitty-gritty of that later, once she has won.

Rule 7. When pushed far enough, you should set the game on fire and tell her to get f***ing stuffed.