How to practice 'self-care' when you can’t just get pissed

ALCOHOL takes the edge of most difficult situations, but how can you make yourself feel better when getting hammered isn’t entirely appropriate?

Stuff your face
So-called ‘experts’ will tell you that comfort eating isn’t a good idea, but try telling that to anyone who has ever enjoyed the numbing effects of an entire Baked Alaska.

Don’t try to meditate
Attempting to achieve the almost impossible task of emptying your mind of all thoughts is actually quite stressful. Watching an episode of Bargain Hunt will be easier and produce much the same effect.

Almost go for a run
Running produces endorphins, but so does getting changed into exercise clothes, opening the door and deciding it’s probably going to rain, and lying on the sofa instead.

Talk to yourself like your best friend would
Hopefully your best friend is the type of person who would say ‘Snap put of it, you miserable bastard, you’re perfectly fine’, rather than indulging your pathetic worries.

Road rage
Let off steam in the car by shouting, swearing, sobbing and generally having a massive tantrum like the emotional three-year old that you still are.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Social class based on how you feel about Wotsits

YOUR feelings about Wotsits are the strongest indicator of your true social class, it has been revealed.

After decades of using traditional markers including the number of books in your house, where you went to school, and how many seconds of The Archers you can stand, scientists have found the Wotsit Principle to be the most accurate.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “Simply say ‘Ooh, I really fancy some Wotsits’.

“Working class people will sympathise enthusiastically. Most upper class people, while not being snobby about it, just won’t have a clue what you’re talking about. Upper class people eat Monster Munch and Frazzles.

“Middle-class people have a different reaction, usually taking the form of a wistful half-smile. This is the result of them remembering that scally mate from school who would have Wotsits in their packed lunch.”

He added: “They will appear lost in thought for a moment as they are transported back to that time when they went round their house for tea and had waffles and fish fingers with ketchup.”

Scientists had previously been working on the Strongbow Principle as a class indicator, but said this was ruined by posh men drinking it ironically.

Next story ›