Four pumpkin carvings guaranteed to scare local children away from your house

STABBING a large vegetable until it resembles something scary is always a good thing to do, but here’s a selection of ‘carvings’ that can also stop children from ringing your bell.

Paul Hollywood
Hollywood’s villainous face has a simple ‘small eyes and square goatee’ template that is easy for beginners to recreate. Any parent accompanying the children is also likely to be Bake Off fan who thinks there is something ‘good’ about Paul Hollywood. They will immediately assume you’re a psychopath.

Female Doctor Who
The female Doctor Who scares the shit out of older boys who are on the cusp of becoming full-blown geeks. They will experience both fear and unusual stirrings. Either way, it will be an excellent deterrent.

Michael Gove
There is nothing children find more terrifying than the Tory goblin. By carving Gove’s likeness you are sending the message that you are part of his evil woodland tribe that devours children’s souls.

Donald Trump
Actually, no need for carving with this one. Just glue a handful of straw to the top and the children will think it’s his severed head and run screaming down the street. One of the tougher kids may take a closer look and perhaps even give it a kick, but they will also realise that you are not to be trifled with.

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The Mash guide to avoiding a shark attack

SHARK attacks are a regular occurrence in modern Britain, but what most people don’t know is they’re actually largely avoidable. Here’s how:

Stay out of the sea
Nearly all shark attacks take place in the sea so first and foremost stay away from the sea. Even if it means physically never leaving the house ever again. You’ll thank us when you’re not getting eaten by that shark.

Stay away from the beach

You might think you can still go the beach but what if a shark somehow managed to get halfway out of the sea, grab you in it’s jaws and then drag you back out into the ocean. To avoid this stay in on the couch and play Xbox instead.

Don’t go to any pubs or bars
Whilst there may not be any sharks actively in the pub or bar, there could be gangsters and you might spill one of their drinks and then they take you off to some massive warehouse they have which has got sharks in a big pool in it and then feed you to them.

Buys lots of tinned food and bottled water and barricade yourself in the house

The simplest way to avoid being eaten by a shark is to nail two pieces of wood across your front door, buy lots of bottled water (remember ‘a running tap is a shark’s open window’) and buy a few hundred pounds worth of tinned food, meaning you’ll not have to risk leaving the house anytime soon and being devoured by one of Britain’s many Great Whites.