Drink
Heavy, hard and constantly. You’ll need next-level inebriation to muster believable excitement about seeing your former work colleagues and vague relations.
Talk about how surprised you are
This is massively important to the meddling shits who organise surprise parties, for some reason. So give ‘em what they want: “I literally had no idea!” and “I really thought I’d be celebrating alone!” Be careful not to get to honest, though: “I honestly wouldn’t have agreed to this in a million years!”
Drink
Try to get shitfaced enough to forget that you’re the centre of this nightmare. The more you can make yourself believe this is someone else’s party, the better.
Plan a revenge surprise party
As the unwelcome assault course of congratulations continues, start mentally plotting your retaliation. It’ll make the endless conversation with your weird cousin go a lot faster.
Drink
The sooner you pass out, the sooner this ends.
