How to pretend a surprise party is 'fun'

Heavy, hard and constantly. You’ll need next-level inebriation to muster believable excitement about seeing your former work colleagues and vague relations.

Talk about how surprised you are
This is massively important to the meddling shits who organise surprise parties, for some reason. So give ‘em what they want: “I literally had no idea!” and “I really thought I’d be celebrating alone!” Be careful not to get to honest, though: “I honestly wouldn’t have agreed to this in a million years!”

Try to get shitfaced enough to forget that you’re the centre of this nightmare. The more you can make yourself believe this is someone else’s party, the better.

Plan a revenge surprise party
As the unwelcome assault course of congratulations continues, start mentally plotting your retaliation. It’ll make the endless conversation with your weird cousin go a lot faster.

The sooner you pass out, the sooner this ends.

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Firing people nowhere near as hard as everyone thinks, boss discovers

A MIDDLE-MANAGER has discovered that sacking employees is not ‘the hardest part of the job’ but actually quite a buzz. 

Susan Traherne, deputy procurement head at a Lincolnshire cardboard firm, was dreading giving an under-performing junior six weeks’ notice, but found it not only easy but fun.

She said: “I know Jordan’s been struggling here, and he can’t really afford his car, and it’s not his fault we’re going through a downturn, and I thought all that’d weigh on my mind but not at all.

“As it dawned on him that it was over, it was dawning on me that I wouldn’t have to put up with his enthusiastic incompetence any more because I’d never see him ever again.

“The hard thing now is not sacking people. Holding back that rush of cradling their fate in your hands then gently crushing it in front of them. I might do Donna next.”

Dismissed employee Jordan Hayes said: “It was so hard keeping the smile off my face while she gave me my ticket out of this shithole.

“I’ve got fired from my last three jobs, it’s fine. But it was weird that we both did a hidden fist-pump at exactly the same time.”