How to pretend you know about football

NOW is the time to pretend you’re into football, even though the only player you know is David Beckham. Here is your essential guide to being part of the national frenzy.  

The man with the whistle is the umpire. Like tennis, a really good sport, the umpire controls everything and can award a player with a yellow or red card if they think their hair is shit.

If someone asks you who you support you should not mention your standing order to The Red Cross.

The fight lasts for 90 minutes but extra time can be added if there isn’t enough waving from the audience. 

If England score grab a nearby man by the head, look into his eyes and say ‘Ooooo, Bill Beaumont-esque.’ Then kiss him on the lips.

On football history, you should know that women were banned at the Brazil World Cup for biting, much to everyone’s relief.   

If someone calls you out for being a ‘casual’ impress them with your knowledge of other big entertainment events like The Voice or X-Factor. If they don’t know what Gareth Gates sang in the Pop Idol final then they’re the fucking casual mate.