How to take a baby out in public without offending everyone

Are you considering taking your baby out in public but worried you might offend somebody? Do you want to leave the house without causing ‘outrage’ on social media? 

Avoid those death stares by following this simple guide:

Before stepping out of the house it is essential that you lose all your baby weight.

Everyone knows that middle class people have delicate little ear drums that are particularly sensitive to a baby’s cry so Waitrose, farm shops and Joules should be avoided.

Ask your baby not to cry for the duration of the trip. If this fails, wear ear protectors. If you can’t hear your baby crying, it is not your problem.

Disguise your baby as a puppy. Everyone loves a puppy.

Using your breasts for any non-sexual purpose is disgusting so if you must breastfeed in public, perhaps give onlookers a wink and a flash of your nipple before getting started.

Never take a baby into an establishment where adults are eating. Adults take public food consumption very seriously and even the idea that a baby might shit itself, suck a breast or scream at any given minute could give them indigestion.

If you must feed your baby then a sausage roll outside Greggs is the more considerate option.

Do not take a baby on public transport. People might mistake it for a bomb and panic.

Finally, if you are asked to leave a public place because your baby is feeding or crying ‘inappropriately’, then promptly exit the building alone while shouting ‘She’s your problem now, arseholes’.

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Woman plans agreeable weekend reading lovely big book about shagging

A WOMAN has unveiled plans to spend a delightful weekend curled up in an armchair reading a massive book about shagging.

Emma Bradford plans to open a packet of expensive chocolate biscuits, make of pot of Earl Grey tea and sit in her favourite chair in the conservatory to read the 630-page Shaft of Desire by Deborah Morris.

Over the weekend she will savour the biscuits, the delicately flavoured tea and exhaustive, graphic descriptions of sweaty, uninhibited intercourse while stopping occasionally to appreciate the first snowdrops emerging in the garden.

Bradford said: “I will have my lovely blanket draped over my knees as I sip tea that will be as hot as the big fat cocks that will fill my imagination as I drift gently into Saturday teatime.”

She added: “I’ll have some spaghetti carbonara for dinner and then an early night before I return to the conservatory for a very pleasant Sunday of people coming like maniacs.

“One of the chapters is just titled ‘Wet’. I suspect it’s probably not about tea.”