Club night ruined by comparing drink cost to Asda

A COUPLE’S evening out at a nightclub was ruined because they could not buy a drink without thinking what the same money would buy at Asda. 

Nathan and Chloe Muir knew their night out at Birmingham’s Nuvo nightclub would be expensive, but admitted that the constant price comparison website running in their heads made it hard to enjoy.

Chloe said: “You’re meant to lose yourself aren’t you, in the music and that. Order drinks with gay abandon. We tried.

“But when you decide what the hell, we’ll have cocktails and it cost £22 for something that’s more botanicals than booze, I for one couldn’t help thinking ‘You could get a litre of Bombay Sapphire for that, if it was on offer.’

“A glass of prosecco isn’t £8.50. A bottle of prosecco is £8.50. They’re at the top of aisle 14, by the champage and the cava.

“We had a dance, but the truth is I wasn’t properly drunk so I sent Nathan to the bar. He came back white. £38.50! We could have treated ourselves to that fancy Grey Goose!”

Nathan added: “I suppose this is why people do drugs.”

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Man absolutely livid about news he’s made up

A MAN is regularly furious about news stories that he has invented himself based on a misapprehension of the facts, it has emerged. 

Roy Hobbs skims headlines and then constructs imaginary stories which outrage him using details provided by his many prejudices.

Hobbs said: “I always knew Oxfam were too good to be true. Now we find their high street shops are a front for brothels and sex parties.

“And surprise surprise, Corbyn was a high-ranking KGB officer all along. Sleeper agent. Spent years subverting our democracy, but activate him with the code-phrase and he’ll kill the Queen.

“Sometimes I can’t believe what’s going on in the world. They’ve invented a car that goes into space but the NHS is leaving pensioners on trolleys in the car park so they can charge them. How can that be right?

Hobbs’ wife Belinda said: “Sometimes I make Roy watch the real news, but it doesn’t give him the pure outrage high he’s chasing. It’s pathetic but it saves us buying the Daily Mail.”