How to train properly for the London marathon

YOU’VE broken in your trainers, you’ve learnt the meaning of iliotibial band, now as the London Marathon approaches, here are the only training tips that could possibly matter.

Take a nutmeg grater to your nipples every day
It will prepare you for the searing pain. Mind you, at the finish line you’ll probably pass off your bleeding nips as equivalent to a saintly weeping statue.

Study the course’s toilet map
Or just customise an adult nappy to fit inside your running shorts. At the very least, ensure those shorts are not white.

Stop wearing your neon training vest
You claim it’s so you’re seen on dark roads, but we all know it’s just virtue signalling.

Tailor your home-made energy balls
Instead of rolling them in flaxseed or coconut, roll them in crushed-up ProPlus or actual speed.

Practice how to blow snot from your nose
Unless of course you want your face to look like a ‘money shot’ gone wrong.