Wednesday, 19th February 2020

How to waste your 'me time'

FINALLY wrangled yourself some time alone? Follow our handy guide to wasting it and then feeling like right f*cking idiot afterwards.

Give yourself a really ambitious to do list You can definitely achieve everything on this list. While yesterday you were crap, today you are going to be miraculously capable of achieving a vast amount. Oh, hang on – no, you’re just the same f*cking useless twat you were yesterday. Better watch Friends.

Drift about aimlessly The time will last forever. There’s so much of it! Look, some chocolate to snack on. Hmm. Must measure that alcove and look online for an Ikea cupboard that might fit. Five hours have slipped through your fingers, and you will never get them back. You could have watched Friends while browsing.

Decide to go for a run You will go for a run. Definitely. You just need to find your trainers and jogging bottoms. You need music, too. Your phone is out of battery. You can’t possibly run without music, it would feel like cross country at school when you could just hear your own hideous, ragged breathing. How about a soothing yoga video instead? Oh, look. Friends.

Sort out your ISA This has been on your list for ages because your current interest rate is f*cking rubbish and it should be easy, you just have to find that what your User ID was, because you can reset the password but not the User ID. There was a letter somewhere from 2013 and – actually, maybe you should just watch an episode of Friends first.

Feel Guilty Sit immobile on the edge of the bed, recalling the hurt expressions on your family’s face when you said you needed time alone. Wrangle with the guilt for a bit, then get under the duvet for a little sob. Unless instead you fancy watching nice, happy Friends.

Conclusion Don’t get out of bed, just watch Friends. But an early one, back when Chandler was skinny, Phoebe was funny and the whole, entire world was not quite so f*cked. Look: it’s the one where they lose the monkey!