How to waste your 'me time'

FINALLY wrangled yourself some time alone? Follow our handy guide to wasting it and then feeling like right f*cking idiot afterwards.

Give yourself a really ambitious to do list
You can definitely achieve everything on this list. While yesterday you were crap, today you are going to be miraculously capable of achieving a vast amount. Oh, hang on – no, you’re just the same f*cking useless twat you were yesterday. Better watch Friends.

Drift about aimlessly
The time will last forever. There’s so much of it! Look, some chocolate to snack on. Hmm. Must measure that alcove and look online for an Ikea cupboard that might fit. Five hours have slipped through your fingers, and you will never get them back. You could have watched Friends while browsing.

Decide to go for a run
You will go for a run. Definitely. You just need to find your trainers and jogging bottoms. You need music, too. Your phone is out of battery. You can’t possibly run without music, it would feel like cross country at school when you could just hear your own hideous, ragged breathing. How about a soothing yoga video instead? Oh, look. Friends.

Sort out your ISA
This has been on your list for ages because your current interest rate is f*cking rubbish and it should be easy, you just have to find that what your User ID was, because you can reset the password but not the User ID. There was a letter somewhere from 2013 and – actually, maybe you should just watch an episode of Friends first.

Feel Guilty
Sit immobile on the edge of the bed, recalling the hurt expressions on your family’s face when you said you needed time alone. Wrangle with the guilt for a bit, then get under the duvet for a little sob. Unless instead you fancy watching nice, happy Friends.

Don’t get out of bed, just watch Friends. But an early one, back when Chandler was skinny, Phoebe was funny and the whole, entire world was not quite so f*cked. Look: it’s the one where they lose the monkey!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man grows handlebar moustache to rule himself out of gene pool

A MAN has grown a twirly handlebar moustache to rule himself out of the gene pool.

Joseph Turner has never wanted children, so has decided to grow the offending facial hair as a form of contraception.

Turner said: “It scares off all the women, which is brilliant. Sadly it also means I’m very lonely, but that’s better than being woken up by screaming kids for 18 years.”

He added: “Whenever I regret my decision, I just think of having to watch endless reruns of My Little Pony.”

Local barber Nathan Muir said: “I’ve told Joseph that men in Shoreditch are on the cusp of making handlebar moustaches desirable, so have advised him to comb some scrambled egg through his ‘tache to be on the safe side.”