Woman describes anyone different to her as being 'on the spectrum'

A WOMAN with no understanding of mental disorders has taken to describing anyone different to her as being ‘on the spectrum’.

Donna Sheridan said: “My family and colleagues all say that they just have their idiosyncrasies. But if you ask me, it’s a sign that they’re, you know…

“One of my coworkers buys the same lunch every single day. She says that’s because it’s the best meal deal on offer and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But when I told her she should bring in leftover dinner from the night before like I do she got a bit grouchy, so I reckon she’s one of ‘them’.

“She’s also a whizz at Sudoku, which is a dead giveaway.”

Colleague Nikki Hollis said: “Whenever you ask Donna what she means she laughs it off and says ‘we all have our moments, don’t we?’ then she starts talking about how she thought she was dyslexic once.”

Sheridan added: “In my experience that makes them feel better.”

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How David Cameron sleeps at night

FORMER prime minister David Cameron sleeps in a crypt which contains no reflective surfaces or timepieces.

The politician’s subterranean lair, situated in Chipping Norton, is also said to be free of TVs, radios, tablets, or any device that can receive information from the outside world.

Choosing to manifest himself in human form, David Cameron said: “It might be missing a few home comforts, but I find it easier to get through the days if I don’t think about the past, the present, the future, or myself.”

Reaching for a lever disguised as a flaming wall torch, he added: “Would you like to see how I’ve used copies of my memoir to create a padded lining in my coffin?

“Samantha has been sleeping at her sisters’ for the past three years.”

According to a local farmhand who escaped from the British politician’s larder, there is also an oubliette filled with missing virgins located beneath an Aston Villa rug.