'I am playing Candy Crush Saga at a level beyond anything you mortals can possibly imagine'

YOU say you are playing Candy Crush Saga? I pity you. I pity your artless fumblings with basic sweets and your pathetic attempts to clear lines.

Because I, who yesterday attained level 2,361 of The Saga, am playing at a level far beyond anything your feeble mind and fat, poking fingers can possibly conceive of.

I am no idle player who gets their phone out while waiting at Burger King. I do not play while simultaneously watching Coronation Street. I am committed.

You think merging a wrapped candy and a striped candy is impressive? Matching two colour bombs? Your lack of ambition disgusts me.

I have seen candies you people would not believe. I have matched candies which glow with colours not of this universe. I have brought candies together so powerful that I must avert my eyes from the screen as it burns with the light of many suns.

My techniques are so practiced, so subtle, that the most advanced artificial intelligence would not understand them. I think not five or ten, but five hundred candies ahead. I never lose.

So ask me not if I am playing Candy Crush, you miserable worm. I am Candy Crush. It is my final form, my alpha and omega, the sum totality of my being.

Though sometimes, to relax, I play Bubble Witch 2 just to pass the time.

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Man doesn’t realise first date was secret panel interview

A MAN does not realise that everything he said on a first date was vetted via text message by a select panel of his date’s friends.

Tom Booker went on a date with Emma Bradford, and, without his knowledge, her friends Sarah, Emily and Anna.

He said: “I think it went well. She was quite shy, though. Kept looking at her lap, and anxiously fiddling with her hands, especially after I’d tell her something impressive or intimidating, like the fact that I can get her my staff discount at Superdrug.

“She was really pretty. At times she’d even get this lovely blue-tinted glow about her.

“I’m not sure about her sense of humour though. She’s a bit slow on the uptake. Every time I told a joke, she’d look down for a minute or so before laughing.

“And then when I asked her on a second date, she ran to the loo for about three minutes before coming back and accepting. She must have been so nervous.”

Bradford’s friend, Emily, said: “On behalf of the whole panel, I’d like to congratulate Tom on scraping through to the second round.  We’re all really looking forward to spending more time with him next Tuesday at Franco Manca.”