I don't need religion to be horribly sanctimonious about Christmas

by Emma Bradford

THIS year I will be giving money to charity instead of sending Christmas cards, and making sure everyone knows about it.

As a committed atheist I spend most of the year mocking people for believing stories that were made up in the olden days as a form of social control, yet when December rolls around I nonetheless feel what I can only describe as a sense of holiness creeping over me. It’s almost erotic.

I lecture my children on the ways in which rampant capitalism has killed the spirit of Christmas as I drive them home from school in my new white Mitsubishi Shogun.

On the way we stop at Waitrose and spend a moment feeling sorry for the man who is begging outside, but we don’t give him any money because he’ll just spend it on drugs.

I enjoy making my friends feel like selfish bastards by talking about how seriously I am considering inviting some homeless people to share our Christmas dinner.

Of course, I don’t do it because they’d probably steal the television, but, as I’m always telling the children, it’s the thought that counts.

In many ways, I am like Jesus. But he wasn’t real, so I am actually better than Jesus. Blessings on you all.

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Toys R Us collapse possibly linked to it being most expensive shop in Britain

THE threatened closure of Toys R Us has been linked by parents to it being easily the most expensive place to shop in the whole of the UK. 

The toy retailer, which is unable to pay £9 million into its pension fund despite that being the cost of a single Lego set, is regularly visited by families consisting of manic children and horrified parents. 

Father Tom Booker said: “I’ve taken the kids around museum exhibitions of priceless ancient jewellery that were more affordable than Toys R Us, and had more staff on the tills at the end. 

“It’s not one of those where you look around then buy off the internet. You look around then go home and start whittling toys out of wood because you assume you will never be able to afford them, even if you became a trillionaire. 

“Also its name is stupid.” 

A Toys R Us spokesman said: “We can’t go letting people take away our toys. They’re our toys.”