I’m not ignoring Valentine’s Day because I’m single, I’m ignoring it because it’s bullshit

“PLEASE don’t think I’m refusing to engage with Valentine’s Day because I won’t be receiving any cards. It’s actually because it’s a massive pile of wank.

I hated it even more when I did have a boyfriend because then I had to play along with his attempts to celebrate what is essentially a capitalist’s particularly spunk-filled wet dream. I’d seem like a flint-hearted misery if I didn’t gaze at him with dewy-eyed adoration when he presented me with perfume that will never be used.

Being given lingerie was even worse. Anyone who essentially forces you into an unwanted bikini wax so you can dress up as a budget version of a Victoria’s Secret window display does not deserve your affection, on this or any other day.

And I’ve got no time for single people who moan about being on their own. If you have to mark the day, why not celebrate the joyous fact that you can watch a couple of episodes of Fargo in peace and then have a ‘sexy bath’ all to yourself.

Call me a cynical old harridan if you like, but Saint Valentine can shit off. “

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Boris Johnson unveils sock puppet sidekick

BORIS Johnson will use his Brexit speech today to introduce Little Boris, a puppet on his right hand that foolishly supports Remain. 

The puppet, which speaks in squeaks only Johnson can understand, will advance arguments for a second referendum and staying in the single market which its master will patiently but thoroughly demolish. 

Johnson said: “What’s that, Little Boris? You don’t think that the electorate voted against staying in the customs union on June 23rd, 2016? 

“But that would mean we couldn’t make groundbreaking free trade deals with our friends across the world, wouldn’t it? And we voted for freedom, didn’t we? 

“Damage our economy? Oh Little Boris, you’re such a silly dunderpate. A hard Brexit would turbocharge our economy by finally giving Britons the motivation to succeed!

“Shall we draw some red lines for the EU? Here’s your chalk. No, not on my face! Little Boris, you’re a cheeky, cheeky boy!” 

Nathan Muir, a Brexit voter from Lincoln, said: “This is what I’ve been waiting for.”