Reading Festival fans outraged that none of the bands are shit enough

ROCK fans have criticised the Reading Festival line-up for not including enough genuinely shit bands. 

The festival, which traditionally books the most moribund rock acts of the moment to end the season on a total downer, has sparked anger by instead choosing relevant acts like Kendrick Lamar.

Rocker Tom Logan said: “Dua Lipa, Skepta… honestly, if it wasn’t for the Kings of Leon there’d hardly be a shit act on the bill.

“The Killers are bringing their intensely mediocre set of 00s hits to a host of festivals this year.  Why not Reading? What about the Arctic Monkeys?

“And, most of all, where is  Liam Gallagher? Our Crown Prince of piss-dull, holler-along turd-rock.

“For me there’s only Sum 41, The Wombats, and up-and-coming crapsters Wolf Alice that really belong at Reading. The rest are just too decent.

“I’ll still throw bottles of piss at them.”

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Couple prepare for grudging parody of romance

A HAPPY couple will celebrate their 10th Valentine’s Day by doing just about enough to make it to next year.

Tom and Clare Logan exchanged hastily selected, generic gifts and this evening will take part in a functional meal in an overpriced restaurant before returning home to perform perfunctory intercourse.

Clare Logan said: “He’s got me roses. I guess that’s nice.

“I’ve bought him chocolates, which aren’t exactly his thing but they’re in a heart-shaped box, and we’ve got each other cards. I don’t suppose he’ll read what I’ve written in it, but I have written in it.”

Tom Logan added: “At least that’s celebrating our love over for another year.

“We’ve  basically paid our romantic tax return for the year and now the pressure is off for another 12 months.”

However, a local restaurant owner has insisted the couple’s grudging annual pilgrimage is a sacred rite.

Stephen Malley said: “Couples we only see once a year reluctantly file in and give their names like criminals waiting to be processed in court.

“We could feed them anything and charge them anything because nobody’s going to complain in a packed restaurant on Valentine’s Day. It’s the most magical day in the calendar.”