I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing about this bloody baby

Dear Holly,

I’m sick to the back teeth of hearing about this bloody Royal baby. Every time I turn on the news, I get bombarded with pointless, fawning commentary on every insignificant detail of the little Prince’s life so far. I am surprised the BBC hasn’t been monitoring and relaying how many times the sprog has shat himself since being born and had it rolling on a ticker under the screen. When is this moronic drivel going to end?

HRH Queen Elizabeth II


Dear The Queen,

Let’s not get bogged down with minor concerns. What we really need to focus on is finding out what happened, exactly, that meant Kate Middleton could walk into the hospital one day with no baby, and come out a few days later with one in her arms. I was watching the web cams outside the hospital and at no point did they allow a stork to enter, so something sinister must have taken place in there. Rumour has it that the baby was actually INSIDE Kate’s stomach, which, frankly, makes me want to puke. But what is even more chilling and grotesque is the thought of how that baby actually came out. Did you see the SIZE of that thing? As far as I am aware there are limited exit points and none of them is anywhere near big enough. Have you seen Alien? Is that what happened? No grown ups will give me a straight answer so I am going to have to Google it. Hopefully David Cameron’s special filter hasn’t come into effect yet.

Hope that helps,


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Cats actually disgusting

CAT allergies are caused by all the revolting shit lurking beneath their flawless exterior.

Researchers found that if you part a cat’s coat you will find nauseating amounts of cat dandruff, cat shit, leaves and bits of old mouse.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Cats make a big deal of licking themselves, but they are just manipulating us into thinking they are clean.

“Consider how hairy they are in comparison to how small their tongues are. It’s like trying to Hoover a mansion with a drinking straw.

“Also they are lazy fuckers.

“So they look nice on the outside but under the surface it’s like a vile old hedge.

“They eat live rats, so what did you expect?”

31-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I always thought my allergy to cats was some weird, complex chemical imbalance. Actually it’s just a natural reaction to a revolting little animal that keeps touching my legs.

“Also a cat looks like a cross between a bat and a small dog and that is wrong.”