I'm taking my wife's name because I'm progressive and also I want to bang on about it forever

My upcoming nuptials are a source of great joy. I get to join with my beloved forever, and, most importantly, I get to take my wife’s surname.

Yeah, you heard right – I’m taking HER name. What madness is this, I hear you asking. Well, I believe in equality and I want a way of banging on about that forever, so this is the perfect choice for me.

My wife and I talked about the possibility of going double-barrelled, but it was clear that wouldn’t have given me sufficient opportunity to lord my feminist credentials over everyone, so I’m going to become Mr Jones.  

This way, we get to truly strike a blow against the sexist, antiquated roots of the institution, and I get to make a total song and dance about changing every possible piece of paperwork in my life.

I’ve already been down to the HR department at work to enquire about the process and I saw the look of feminist awe on the face of the office assistant. And I was like: “Yeah. Exactly.”

I’m also having a feminist stag do, where we will go to a strip club, but wearing vagina deely-boppers and drinking through vagina straws.

And for all of those sexist, primitive types who say I’m only changing my name because it’s Cockburn and I’ve been bullied about it since school, I say this: fuck off. Feminism forever!

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My family not nearly as f**ked up as theirs, says Meghan Markle

MEGHAN Markle has responded to media focus on her relatives by pointing out that the Windsors are way more messed up.

She said: “I’m getting pretty sick of this. My dad might be in the papers now, but at least he didn’t meet my mum when he was already getting off with her sister.

“Princess Margaret was a randy booze hound and Fergie got papped getting a poolside toe-job, whereas my aunt is a florist. She forgot my birthday once, but then she gave me double vouchers for Christmas.

“I’m a distant relative of Shakespeare and he’s a distant relative of Mike Tindall.

“I also don’t want to hear about my half-brother working at Domino’s ever again, when one of Harry’s family went to a party dressed as a Nazi. I should find out which one, so I can ignore them on Saturday.”