Han and Chewie 'met on Grindr'

THE new Star Wars film has revealed that Han Solo and Chewbacca met on a gay dating app and were lovers for 20 years. 

Solo, which tells the story of how a young Han Solo renounced the love of women for a cross-species relationship with his co-pilot, begins as a familiar paw swipes right on the image of a handsome spacefarer. 

The duo meet and, after a long, tender sequence where Han shampoos Chewie and picks lice out of his fur, make love while hologram chessmen battle in the foreground. 

A brief, but intense, love triangle ensues between the couple and swinger from beyond the stars Lando Calrissian, who instead settles down with a polyamorous symbiotic shapeshifter that takes the form of his moustache. 

Star Wars superfan Joseph Turner said: “What? It’s all there in the original trilogy if you take the trouble to learn Wookie. Every roar echoes with longing. 

“Next thing you’ll be saying you didn’t know about C-3PO and R2D2.” 

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Why I'm treating Brexit as if it were an allotment border dispute, by Jeremy Corbyn

WHILE other people at least try to sort this out, I’m going to hide in my shed and busy myself with my seed library.

As for everyone else – Jacob Rees-Mogg is the type of man who would concrete over the whole allotment and build a block of luxury flats in its place, but at least he’s got an opinion.

David Miliband is the part-timer who abandons his plot for years, returns when it’s a jungle of nettles, makes a fuss about sorting it all out and then buggers off again when he realises how much work it’ll be.

Boris Johnson would turn up in a big bluster to insist he knows exactly where the border should be, but then get bored and piss on someone’s cabbages for a laugh.

Theresa May is the chair of the allotment committee who is trying so hard to please everyone that she’s on the verge of cracking and running amok with the weed killer.

Every so often I’ll come out of my shed and tell them they’re wrong, but refuse to offer any alternatives.

But if anyone wants to know about ethical slug traps made from old plant pots, give me a shout.