Is splitting the bill evenly a good idea, or do you have no concept of money?

YOU’VE enjoyed a marvellous meal with friends and now the bill has arrived. Should you just divide the whole thing equally, or do you actually understand how money works?

Take our quiz:

Who are you dining with? 

A) My good friends, who’ve been looking forward to this get-together all week as have I.
B) Some acquaintances who call themselves friends who I don’t like that much and certainly have no qualms about casually allowing to suffer for my pleasure.

How pricey is the restaurant? 

A) Nice but not what you’d call expensive, with an affordable wine list.
B) I don’t care. It’s not my problem.

What are you ordering?

A) No starter, a mid-range main course and perhaps a pudding if I’m feeling indulgent.
B) A starter I won’t eat, Waygu steak, a side dish, three bottles of wine, the cheese board, a couple of single malts between courses.

What is money? 

A) A token of payment used for goods and services, and there’s never bloody enough of it, is there! Haha. Please God don’t suggest we split the bill.
B) You know, I’m not really sure. I’ve never had to worry about it.


Mostly As: Of course you shouldn’t split the bill, even if it is a pain in the arse totting up. And put in for the tip.

Mostly Bs: Dividing the total between the number of diners is simpler and fairer. It’s all just numbers, isn’t it?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Twat thinks lying is what successful people do

A MAN has somehow got the idea that it is normal to lie about things to get what you want in life.

Sales executive Martin Bishop has absorbed too much competitive bullshit from programmes like The Apprentice and now thinks massive porkies are a valid way of getting ahead.

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “Martin proudly told me that he just makes up stuff on his CV. Apparently he didn’t work for MI5 in 2010, he was deputy manager of a Chicken Cottage.

“What really left me gobsmacked was that he does it in his personal life. He told a woman he went on a date with he earns ‘a cool 300k’. If he did surely he’d move out from his mum’s?

“Does everyone do this now? I think it’s about time I increased my employability by adding a few PhDs and maybe claiming I invented the iPhone.”

Bishop said: “I see nothing wrong with telling people I used to be an RAF fighter pilot or ran a successful wine importing business. It just gives me a competitive edge over people who tell the truth.

“It can lead to the odd problem, like when when my ex poured boiling coffee in my lap because she’d been on my Facebook page and there weren’t any pictures of my helicopter.”