WHENEVER any object enters my field of vision my first thought is, can I have sex with it?
I’ll admit my enthusiasm for physical love of all stripes has caused awkward situations over the years, not least when I chased Alex Ferguson round and round the C4 studio a la The Benny Hill Show.
Based on personal experience, here’s my expert advice on a few things you may be considering doing it with.
Praying mantis
Those big eyes and sensual feelers say ‘yes’ but the sharp mandibles and armoured appendages say ‘no’. I definitely regretted this one, although on similar insect lines I did enjoy a great five-way with some locusts in Uganda.
Desk
The rectangularity of desks really turns me on. However like many items of furniture they can be frustratingly short on ‘access points’. You need one of those old school desks with an inkwell.
Angela Merkel
Angela exudes the distinctive musk of the alpha female. I’d describe her scent as fried peaches with overtones of the forest. And like a forest she is both alluring and fraught with hidden danger.
Mediocre framed watercolour of some labradors
My wife was like, ‘What the hell are you doing with that picture, we’ve got guests!’ I explained that I wasn’t into dogs, it was the texture of the canvas that got me all fizzed up. However she said I had to get a replacement, £400 gone just like that.
Compost bin
I call mine Renee. I clamber into her, and we are joined in mulchy union. Note: however many times you ask, Angela Merkel will not get into a compost bin with you, she’s just not into it and actually gets quite snarly if you persist.
