Jon Snow's Can I Pork That?

WHENEVER any object enters my field of vision my first thought is, can I have sex with it?

I’ll admit my enthusiasm for physical love of all stripes has caused awkward situations over the years, not least when I chased Alex Ferguson round and round the C4 studio a la The Benny Hill Show.

Based on personal experience, here’s my expert advice on a few things you may be considering doing it with.

Praying mantis

Those big eyes and sensual feelers say ‘yes’ but the sharp mandibles and armoured appendages say ‘no’. I definitely regretted this one, although on similar insect lines I did enjoy a great five-way with some locusts in Uganda.


The rectangularity of desks really turns me on. However like many items of furniture they can be frustratingly short on ‘access points’. You need one of those old school desks with an inkwell.

Angela Merkel

Angela exudes the distinctive musk of the alpha female. I’d describe her scent as fried peaches with overtones of the forest. And like a forest she is both alluring and fraught with hidden danger.

Mediocre framed watercolour of some labradors

My wife was like, ‘What the hell are you doing with that picture, we’ve got guests!’ I explained that I wasn’t into dogs, it was the texture of the canvas that got me all fizzed up. However she said I had to get a replacement, £400 gone just like that.

Compost bin

I call mine Renee. I clamber into her, and we are joined in mulchy union. Note: however many times you ask, Angela Merkel will not get into a compost bin with you, she’s just not into it and actually gets quite snarly if you persist.

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Every time I give a lady one of my 'special cuddles', she ends up with a baby

Dear Holly,

It seems that every time I give a lady one of my ‘special cuddles’, she ends up with a baby in her tummy which is confusing to me: I thought babies were delivered by the stork. What am I missing here?

Hugh Grant


Dear Hugh,

We haven’t done that bit in school yet, I’m afraid, but if you want to know anything like that just go and ask Phillip Holliday, the big weirdo from Mr Morley’s class. Rumour has it, Philip is actually 16 years old but he has been held back in primary school for several years because he’s really thick and also Mr Morley needs someone strong to help carry all the sports equipment for PE. Phillip may be utterly useless at long division but he’ll tell you all about where babies come from if you give him a Wagon Wheel.

Hope that helps!