Davidson popularity leaves Britons worried they have entered parallel universe

BRITONS are concerned they have woken up in an alternate dimension after seeing crowds cheering Jim Davidson.

The comedian won Celebrity Big Brother last night, leaving many concerned that they have somehow fallen into another reality where everything people like or hate has been reversed.

31-year-old Emma Bradford said: “People on telly are saying Jim Davidson is a smashing bloke. Is everyone else seeing this, or is it just me?

“Are dogs now Britain’s least favourite animals?

“Is Gordon Ramsay now a shy, self-effacing Waterstone’s employee? Is the Daily Mail espousing the virtues of gay sex? Are the laws of physics reversed too, so that it rains from the ground into the sky?

“I’m staying in the house today.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “I’m seeing it too. But it can’t be real, it must be some sort of shared hallucination. Maybe it’s North Korea bombarding us with LSD gas.”

Short men really are inferior, say tall scientists

TALL researchers have concluded that short men are inferior in every possible way.

The report, titled Look At The Teeny Tiny Men, demonstrates that short men are less successful, have to sit on cushions to drive and are constantly simmering with resentment.

Project leader Dr Tom Booker, who is the ideal height of 6ft 3ins, said: “Remarkably, every one of our negative assumptions about short men turned out to be true.

“They are the Yorkshire Terriers of the human world: yappy, aggressive, annoying and easily shaken off a normal person’s leg.

“We put a 5ft 5ins man in a room for 12 hours where food, water and entertainment were freely available, albeit on a shelf 7ft from the floor.

“Within hours he was screaming, leaping, tearing the furniture apart, and throwing his own faeces like a red-faced miniature hairless ape.

“In contrast, a normal man of 6ft locked in the same room for the same period happily got himself some crisps and a drink before settling down to watch Pointless

The report recommends that short men be forced to wear muzzles in public, excluded from upscale venues by putting door handles higher up, and legally required to warn potential sexual partners of their substandard genetic material.

Booker warned: “However, it isn’t a case of the taller the better.

“Every inch taller than 6ft 3ins a man is makes him 11% more freakish, and means he can only find employment in home removals, nightclub security or shelf-stacking.”