Nans unveil plan for nan-style Brexit

GRANDMOTHERS have published their plan for a nan-style Brexit focusing on inconsistent racist views and cats.

Leading nan think-tank the Nan Institute is proposing a ban on all foreign men, turning the local Polish shop back into a Spar and also moaned extensively about next door’s cat shitting in the garden.

‘Granny Pat’, executive director of the Nan Institute, said: “Brexit is happening because of nans, and we demand to be heard. I’ll be back in a minute, I’ve just got some meat boiling.”

FOREIGNERS

“Send them packing. I read an article that said they shit in the street, the dirty buggers. In Greece they all shit in the street and they’re terribly cruel to donkeys. And they’re all lesbians.”

THE INDIAN FAMILY THAT RUNS THE LOCAL NEWSAGENT

“They’re all right, they let me off 8p on some crackers. They can stay. I don’t think much of their bananas though. They’re small.”

TRADE

“We don’t like those French apples. Bloody horrible.”

NEXT DOOR’S CAT

“The sodding thing keeps shitting in the garden. I threw some water on it yesterday but it never even took any notice, it’s so hardened. If I had a gun I’d shoot it. Not that I dislike cats.”

Responding to the proposals, a Downing Street source said: “We could go with this. Whatever.”

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Office full of idiots can't understand why everything is so difficult

A SMALL business is staffed entirely by f**king morons who cannot understand why everything takes ages, it has emerged.

Bosses and staff at Trident Kitchen Supplies of Nuneaton have yet to make a connection between the firm’s poor performance and being stupid dysfunctional arseholes.

Managing director Roy Hobbs said: “I sent our receptionist Kelly-Marie on a one-day computer course and she still hasn’t put all our products online like Amazon.

“The only explanation is she’s a lazy cow. I told her to get it fucking sorted this afternoon or she’s out of a job and she just started crying. I don’t care if she’s pregnant, this is strictly business.”

Marketing executive Nikki Hollis said: “I won’t do anything unless someone asks me about six times. It stops things getting done but it makes me feel important which is the main thing.”

Sales manager Donna Sheridan said: “Reps are constantly ringing me about perfectly clear text messages like ‘RU on wot gav sed??? pull ur finger out m8 17 tues not daventree’.

“I asked Steve if he wanted me to wipe his bloody arse for him. In fact I say it every time I see him. That’s just good people management.”