Woman angry Bodyguard didn't include all the clever twists she thought of

A WOMAN has attacked the BBC after thriller Bodyguard left out all the clever twists she had come up with over the last week. 

Susan Traherne had posted an intricate theory of how events would transpire to the internet, where it had won many fans, and claims the real version was ‘bollocks’ in comparison. 

She said: “So she stays dead, he’s not a traitor, and eveything works out fine? The twist is there isn’t one? 

“I mean come on. My version, in which Keeley Hawes faked her own death and was secretly that male crime boss in a very convincing disguise, was far superior. 

“And the backstory I’d sketched out about Budd being a triple agent of Mossad, the CIA and Maoist Peruvian guerillas Shining Path may have been complicated but was ultimately convincing, unlike that shit last night. 

“Next time Jed Mercurio writes something let him do the first half and I’ll finish it. He obviously has problems with his attention span, which I know about because of my 11-year-old.” 

Traherne added: “Also Richard Madden needed to be nude more. Like mostly nude.” 

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Everyone had forgotten this country is freezing cold most of the time

EVERYONE had forgotten England is generally absolutely freezing, it has emerged.

As millions awoke to disconcertingly low temperatures, many were puzzled about how this could be happening in such a warm, balmy place.

Driving instructor Wayne Hayes said: “I was fairly sure it was hot and sunny here all the time, certainly that’s what we have been led to believe.

“But then I noticed all the thick, heavy clothes in my wardrobe that for some reason I hadn’t taken to the charity shop, and it started to come back to me.

“This isn’t a nice warm little island, it’s a fucking freezing hellhole. Now I just need to remember why I chose to live here.”

Estate agent Mary Fisher said: “I thought this coldness was just emanating from my soul, but then I googled ‘seasons’ and got a nasty shock. At least the days don’t get really short and dark or anything weird and bleak like that.”