Brexit recipes you can make without food

A POST-Brexit lack of recognisable foodstuffs is a culinary challenge but just follow our simple recipes for a creative approach to not starving.

Houseplant salad
Getting your greens when the supermarket shelves are bare needn’t be a challenge – just eat a cheese plant. Layer up a tasty, textured salad from the various potted plants you’ve barely kept alive for years. Add handfuls of weeds from the pavement for a fancy, cosmopolitan garnish.

Tenner tagliatelle
Got money to spend on food? It’s no use when there’s nothing to buy. Instead, try shredding your notes into thick tagliatelle-like strips, which you can fry up with some E45 for this luxuriously creamy Italian classic.

‘Rice’ and ‘spice’
Like every other human, you have some chunks of polystyrene packaging in the back of cupboard. Crumble it up into a rice-like substance and boil it. Then drain and stir in some ground-up pot pourri. This fragrant, chewy dish will almost feel like the old days, when Britain had food.

Domestic pet hotpot
An extreme measure, but if your family is suffering from a lack of protein, try this hearty winter warmer, which works especially well with hamsters. Sorry Snowy, but that’s what you get for having flesh.

Millionaire’s shortbread
The same old classic recipe, except that purchasing the flour, butter, sugar and chocolate will now cost the same as a five-bedroom house in Guildford.

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Man won't read books written by women in case he turns into one

A MAN refuses to read any novels written by women for fear of gaining such a keen insight into the opposite gender that he becomes one. 

Roy Hobbs has bypassed centuries of female writing, from the classics to contemporary literature, rather than risk their womanly wiles brainwashing him into wanting to do the washing up and take up knitting.

He said: “Charlotte Brontë may have been a genius, but I don’t want her inside my head, whispering dangerous truths about gender inequality. What if I turn?

“And as for Jane Austen, I can’t believe a woman in a big bonnet can be responsible for the wittiest books ever written. And I’ve got the full set of Clarkson’s published works, so I know of what I speak.

“I don’t care if it’s a load of conspiratorial nonsense by Dan Brown or some boring crap about what boots the SAS wear by Andy McNab, if it’s by a man it won’t be trying to make me feel emotions or any of that nonsense.

“I’ve just got into these new crime ones by Robert Galbraith. Proper tough stuff. I imagine they’re probably based on the author’s own life.”

When told Robert Galbraith was a pseudonym for female author JK Rowling, Hobbs rushed away to scrub his eyes with soap.