Quiz: Are you a vegetarian for moral reasons or because you've got nothing else going on?

You’ve stopped eating meat. Is it because of the ethical implications, or because you’ve literally got nothing else to do? Take this simple test:

How much do you talk about being vegetarian to all your friends?

A) I literally cannot stop talking about how I don’t eat meat to everybody I meet. Be it a friend, an acquaintance, or a busy man on the phone in front of me at Starbucks.

B) Only when it’s relevant to the conversation.

Do you have any other hobbies of note?

A) No, but why do I need one? After work I’m busy eating vegetables and pointing out how much healthier I feel since becoming a vegetarian and how I don’t even miss meat anymore.

B) Yes, I play a sport once a week and/or do something creative and fulfilling with my spare time.

Do you actually have morals?

A) Yeah, definitely. I do loads of stuff. Yesterday I thought about buying Fairtrade chocolate but it wasn’t in the Tesco meal deal so I put it back. I blame Tesco.

B) Yes, I have an internal moral and ethical code that I consistently adhere to. I make well informed, considerate choices about how my actions as an individual can benefit society as a whole.

Mostly As: You’ve got nothing else going on in your life. Don’t kid yourself with your bullshit morals, you’re only doing this because you can’t remember the last good thing you did. The Vegetarian Society would rather you started eating meat again. Because they hate you.

Mostly Bs: You’re a vegetarian for moral reasons. Good for you, but also, shut up.


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'Funny' friend in group actually just very loud

The ‘funniest’ one in a group of friends is actually just being much louder than everyone else, it has been confirmed.

Jules Smith, one of the quieter members of the group said: “People are always saying how funny George is and how he always ‘brings the banter’.

“But I just stopped and thought, ‘what if he isn’t actually funny, and what if he’s just a loud prick?’”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Loudness can compensate for a vast range of sub-par and often offensive humour.

“Meanwhile, the loud one is also at high risk of repeating a joke someone else has just said but louder, talking over people with such confidence that it creates the illusion they are saying something different.”

Jules Smith said: “I hope George takes on board these findings, heralding the age of the quiet funny friend. Perhaps I could then say funny things out loud rather than just putting them on Twitter.”

George said: “Study this!” and then made the V-sign with both hands, to the delight of onlookers.