Please don’t make me be Prime Minister, begs Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has pleaded with Britain not to make him the prime minister under any circumstances.

With the Tories on the brink of meltdown, Corbyn is physically sick at how close he is to power, insisting he has always been very clear he is a ‘indignant protest kind of guy’.

He said: “I thought everyone would get the hint when I basically won the general election but didn’t try to become prime minister in any way.

“I’ve even batted away some really easy vote winners – there’s so much pressure on me to campaign for a second EU referendum or membership of the single market, but then I’d definitely bloody win, wouldn’t I?

“Even after ruling out a second referendum, people keep saying I’m playing the ‘long game’. The only long game I’m playing is to be a rebel hero to some students for another couple of years and then write a book.

“Stop moving the goalposts.”

Corbyn then hid behind the toolshed on his allotment and stuffed his ears with fresh kale.