Please don’t make me be Prime Minister, begs Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has pleaded with Britain not to make him the prime minister under any circumstances.

With the Tories on the brink of meltdown, Corbyn is physically sick at how close he is to power, insisting he has always been very clear he is a ‘indignant protest kind of guy’.

He said: “I thought everyone would get the hint when I basically won the general election but didn’t try to become prime minister in any way.

“I’ve even batted away some really easy vote winners – there’s so much pressure on me to campaign for a second EU referendum or membership of the single market, but then I’d definitely bloody win, wouldn’t I?

“Even after ruling out a second referendum, people keep saying I’m playing the ‘long game’. The only long game I’m playing is to be a rebel hero to some students for another couple of years and then write a book.

“Stop moving the goalposts.”

Corbyn then hid behind the toolshed on his allotment and stuffed his ears with fresh kale.

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The spending diary of a millennial who doesn't live in London and therefore doesn't matter

CAN millennials really afford a deposit just by ditching the mochachinos and avocado toast? We asked one to keep a spending diary, but it wasn’t one who lives in London and works in the media so the entire thing was a waste of time.

Still, since we did it, here’s the spending diary of 26-year-old Tom Logan who lives in Preston and works as a mechanic and is therefore representative of absolutely nobody.

DAY 1
I have a couple of slices of toast and margarine then walk to work. Sorry, I’m already doing this wrong. I should have bought breakfast and got the tube and then bought a coffee. Sorry.

I packed sandwiches for lunch too, because there isn’t anywhere you can buy them near the garage. I know, I’m completely fucking this up.

I should have a gym membership or something, but I just keep fit by walking to work.

Total spend: negligible

DAY 4
Me and my mates meet in Wetherspoons and then go on to a pub near the station. But nowhere does fancy gins, so I’m coming home pissed with change from £20. Even the kebab’s only a few quid. Sorry. We just haven’t got the street food ‘pop-ups’.

Total spend: £25 or so, which I know should be paying for one round

DAY 9
Big shop at Morrison’s, so that was £70, and I paid my rent which is £425 a month. For a moment I feel like a proper millennial until I realise that I should be spending at least twice that on a room in a shared house in Croydon or something. Then I make it even worse by having tea at my mum’s. That’s just not representative at all. Well it is round here, but not of real people, like in the Guardian.

Total spend: £495 which still isn’t close to enough

DAY 16
At lunchtime I go to Starbucks for a coffee, just to pretend to be an actual millennial for an hour. But I still don’t feel any different. I’m ashamed to be born in the 90s. I’m letting everyone down.

Total spend: £4.65 for an ‘Americano’ and a copy of the Lancashire Evening Post.

OVERALL TOTAL
Not remotely enough

EXPERT’S VERDICT
Doesn’t count as a millennial. Ignore.