Driver who asked Theresa May for directions 'wishing he was dead'

A DRIVER who took a wrong turn said he bitterly regrets asking directions from a woman who turned out to be the prime minister.

Martin Bishop, who got lost near Chequers, the prime minister’s weekend residence in Buckinghamshire, saw Mrs May from a distance and thought she looked like a ‘safe pair of hands’.

But, he confirmed, this proved to be a ‘calamitous miscalculation’.

Bishop said: “I asked her the quickest way to A418 as I was trying to get to Leighton Buzzard and she replied, ‘We are committed to the A418 which we regard as an important partner’.

“I said ‘Yes, but which way do I go?’ to which she said, ‘the government values its relationship with the A418 going forward’.

“I said, ‘but what if I was planning to go forward, right now, towards Leighton Buzzard?’. To which she replied, ‘Philip Hammond’s recent comments about the A418 are not government policy’.”

Bishop added: “At this point I told her to just fuck off. She seemed genuinely surprised.”

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I have been invited to sing at royal wedding, says Trump

DONALD Trump has announced that Harry and Meghan have asked him to perform a medley of lounge classics at their upcoming nuptials.

The 71-year old confirmed the Royal Family had declared their longstanding admiration for him, and had admitted that only he was capable of entertaining their guests.

Trump said: “I sing constantly. I have the best singing voice, ask anyone. They’ll tell you that I have one of the finest singing voices of all time.

“And the royals, they’ve always been big fans of mine. The queen, she asked me what the secret of my success was. I think she’s a little jealous of me, actually.

“I guess the TV lady and the ginger guy knew all about my high-class voice, and I was like, sure, I’ll sing for you. They said they’d cancel the wedding if I said no.

“I’ll do some Dean Martin, some Belafonte, and then I’ll improvise, because I’m a naturally gifted genius. I’ll think I’ll do the ceremony for them too. I’ll be much better than some archbishop loser.”

A spokesman for the royal family said: “If he really wants to, he can sing at Eugenie’s.”