Is everything shit? Or are you just hungry?

You feel like shit. Is everyone a dickhead and everything against you? Or do you just need a bun? Take this simple test:

How are you feeling right now?
a) Like I want to break something. I’m not exactly sure why; maybe because my job is  an endless carousel of pointless meetings full of arseholes.

b) Like I want to break something. I’m not exactly sure why, but I want to kick my computer to pieces and walk away from this office forever, ideally past a Greggs where I’d buy a steak bake.

What’s the biggest cause of stress in your life at the moment?
a) This low-level feeling that I will never be respected because my piece-of-shit line manager keeps belittling me and I’m the butt of everyone’s jokes.

b) This low-level feeling about pastry and the fact that I ate my lunch at 11.30am. And my piece-of-shit line manager.

Let’s look long-term: how does today compare to other recent days?
a) Much the same, although there was a day last week when the computers went down and we all got to fuck off three hours early. I felt alive. That was a good day.

b) Much the same, although one my colleagues brought some chocolate Hobnobs in yesterday. I felt alive. That was a good day.

How is your evening looking?
a) Heavy. I am going to lie on my sofa, whack on a boxset and gorge myself on German sausages until I cannot move.

b) Heavy. I am going to lie on my sofa, spend hours looking for jobs online and take a series of personality tests until I cannot move.

Mostly As
All signs point to hunger rather than existential crisis. Eat some crisps. You’ll be fine.

Mostly Bs
Existential crisis ahoy! By all means have a snack, but don’t feel bad if you turn to alcohol, drugs or sex addiction to get through it. It’s ‘whatever works’ when you’re in this kind of shitshow.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Middle aged man gets every single word of song wrong

A MIDDLE aged father of three has managed to sing along incorrectly to every line of a song on the car radio.

Tom Logan, 45, confidently powered his way through The Killers’ ‘When You Were Young’, seemingly unfazed by not knowing any of the words in any way whatsoever.

Logan’s son Michael, who was sitting in the passenger seat, said: “It got off to a rocky start when he came in a bar too early for the opening verse and then it all just went to hell.

“But while most people would be embarrassed, he seemed to grow in confidence, belting out this utter nonsense and thudding at the steering wheel just slightly out of time.

“It actually requires skill to get all of the words completely wrong. It was like experimental theatre or a Freudian stream of consciousness.

“He didn’t even get the line ‘When You Were Young’ right and that’s the title of the song which is repeated clearly over 20 times.”