Rich Kids of Wetherspoon

THE privileged young elite among Wetherspoon pub customers have been documenting their exploits on Instagram.

The Rich Kids of Wetherspoon blog showcases the lifestyle of young chain pub customers whose high disposable incomes allow then to enjoy virtually unlimited pints and meal deals.

21-year-old Tom Logan said: “I’ve got a Lloyds debit card which allows me to take about £200 a day out of the cashpoint. So I max it out and hit the ‘Spoons.

“Sometimes I’ll have a lager, a pint of IPA and three packets of different-flavoured crisps on the go simultaneously.

“Haters gonna hate, but whatever.”

24-year-old Stephen Malley said: “Yesterday I lost £20 on the fruity but I didn’t even care because I’d had eight pints of craft ale.

“Then I had a burger, not just the normal one but the fancy one with cheese and bacon.

Malley described how his lavish spending habits attract a lot of attention from the opposite sex: “There’s always going to be hotties hanging around your table when you’ve got a gourmet burger.

“Sometimes I might toss them a chip, or half an onion ring, just to keep them interested.

“It’s just how I roll.”

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United to play rest of season behind closed doors

MANCHESTER United has banned all spectators because they’re putting off the players.

The noise levels will remain about the same

Following a defeat and a draw in their first two games of the season, the club decided that continuing scrutiny is only getting everyone down.

Manager Louis van Gaal said: “Anyone expecting to see exciting, end-to-end football the way United used to do it is only going to be disappointed, and why should we have to put up with their miserable faces?

“No spectators will be allowed through the gates, apart from anyone with a cheap season ticket at the back of the top tiers who can’t see anything anyway.

“Fans are, however, still required to spend a minimum of £120 per game in the club shop.”

“During live broadcasts assistant coach Albert Stuivenberg will portray the on-pitch action with the same glove puppets that he uses to explain positional play to Tom Cleverley.”

Van Gaal continued: “I expect results to improve immediately.

“For example, if Burnley claim they earned a 2-2 draw and we say we beat them 4-1, then who are you going to believe?

“Them, or our expensive lawyers?”