Earth issues Celebrity Ice Age Challenge

EARTH’S most famous inhabitants are being challenged to survive a millennium-long ice age for charity.

Benedict Cumberbatch is in there somewhere

The Earth is poised to unleash an overdue ice age, spreading from both poles until the entire surface of the planet is below freezing, because it wants to see the hilarious expressions on our faces when it hits.

It said: “I had no idea you guys were so into the ice thing. I’ve been holding back for ages.

“It’s going to start in Los Angeles, where I’m particularly excited to see Johnny Depp, Emma Stone and Jason Statham try to outrun the encroaching ice before being buried in snow.

“And the great news is it isn’t limited to the famous. Everyone on my surface gets to take part, and for everyone that dies I’ll give five dollars to fighting a disease.

“Not that there will be any diseases left. Or money. But I will get to see Mark Zuckerberg encased in ice and worth precisely nothing.”

The Earth has asked everyone to film their faces as the air temperature drops to minus 80 degrees centigrade so future civilisations can enjoy the fun.

It was nominated for the challenge by Mars, Pluto and Jupiter’s frozen moon Europa, all of which used to harbour intelligent life.


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Army in house to house search for dangerous Hoovers

THE Army is kicking in doors across Britain today in the search for extreme vacuum cleaners.

Soldiers are ransacking thousands of homes, pinning householders against the wall and demanding to know if they own a vacuum that is more powerful than 1600w.

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “Imagine what one of these monsters could do in the hands of someone who hates Britain.

“If some maniac went to a public place with a 1600w vacuum cleaner, presuming they have a long enough extension lead, they could place it against the thigh of an innocent person, leaving a distinct red mark.

“Of course that is assuming they have the necessary attachments. I think it would be quite difficult to lift an upright vacuum and place it against someone’s leg. They’re really quite heavy and so the intended victim could just move out of the way.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Thank Christ someone stopped me. I was going to put this crazy bastard against my chin.”