UKIP manifesto to be Magic Eye poster

NIGEL Farage has confirmed UKIP’s general election manifesto will be printed as an optical illusion. 

After rumours the document would include a five-point plan to re-nationalise the cravat industry and a racial epithet word-search, the UKIP leader assured voters it will be much less specific.

Farage said: “Using cutting-edge 1990s technology, we’ve created a manifesto that promises you whatever you want to see.

“For some it’s a peaceful village scene. For others it’s me ramming a banana into a Eurocrat in front of a cheering crowd.

“Or perhaps you’ll just see an army of true Britons sweeping across the continent and making this country great again with fire and steel.”


Reading Festival charging £10 for bottle of throwing urine

MUSIC fans say high prices at Reading are making it impossible to shower acts in urine.

The festival is charging £10 for a 250ml bottle, up 20 percent on last year, and has banned fans from using any urine they may have brought with them.

A festival spokesman said: “The official throwing urine is 40 percent pig, 20 percent horse and 40 percent rosewater. It’s really nice.”

Tom Booker, from Basingstoke, said: “With acts like Post Malone and The Wombats, this year’s festival is a piss-thrower’s dream.

“But I can’t afford the £40 it’s going to take to thoroughly soak Liam Gallagher in human waste.

“Next year I’ll stay home and throw my own urine at my own television.”