The best winter coats to keep out the creeping dread of Christmas

As well as keeping you warm, a good winter coat can shield you from the endless bullshit of Christmas, especially if you keep the hood up. Here are five of the best.

Duffle coat
Duffle coats should only be worn by children, which means that adult wearers will be protected by an armour of optimistic excitement about the festive season. They will also look like total idiots.

Sequinned bomber jacket
Allows you to disappear into the general tacky, sparkly, naffness of Christmas and therefore it won’t be able to get you. MI6 call it ‘hiding in plain sight’, but probably in relation to more serious matters.

High performance technical raincoat
People who love outdoor clothing are always banging on about taped seams and hydrophobic fabrics that keep out water, so wearing one of these is bound to stop Christmas seeping in, even after prolonged exposure.

A long, black cloak
Are you Dracula, the Grim Reaper or the Ghost of Christmas past? It doesn’t matter really, as you’re so scary and anti-festive that all Christmas bullshit will automatically bypass you.

Ankle length puffer jacket
As it is essentially a duvet, this coat is the sartorial equivalent of going to bed for the whole of Christmas and not getting up again until March.

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Japanese car companies admit pulling out of UK is scare story and true story

JAPANESE car companies will pull out of the UK if there is a no-deal Brexit, but admitted that must be really scary.

Honda and Nissan confirmed they will find it difficult to make cars if a no-deal Brexit means they do not have the parts they need to make the cars.

A Honda spokesman said: “There’s not much point in trying to sell cars that don’t have steering wheels, so we’ll probably have to move somewhere else.”

But failed Brexit secretary David Davis said: “No you won’t’.”

The Honda spokesman added: “Yes we will, we’ve just said so.”

Davis insisted: “No, you won’t. You’’re just trying to scare people.”

The spokesman said: “We’’re not actually trying to scare people, we’’re running a business. But if people are scared, it’’s probably because it’’s a bit scary.

“Because it’’s true.”

Davis then accused the spokesman of working for the Belgian secret service before producing an ‘incriminating dossier’ consisting of random cuttings from local newspapers.

The Honda spokesman said: “Are you okay?”