Monday, 3rd August 2020

The Brexiter's guide to why recessions are brilliant

WITH the economy contracting partly due to Brexit, it is vital for Brexiters to pretend this is a good thing. Here diehard Leaver Roy Hobbs explains the many upsides.

People need toughening up

Our ancestors didn’t need modern luxuries like iPhones and jobs. A bit of recession hardship will lick the transgender snowflake generation into shape, which is vital if we need to storm the Normandy beaches again.

It’s good for the environment

Not making things conserves Mother Earth’s precious resources. Even if all environmentalists are workshy dreadlocked scum.

It’s good for social mobility

Politicians talk about improving life chances, but have they considered the benefits of everyone being dragged down to the same level? An unemployed doctor sitting down with an unemployed factory worker to smoke roll-ups is a vision of an equal society Dr Martin Luther King could only dream of.

It’s super-healthy!

Most of us could do with laying off the takeaways, and that’s easy if you can’t pay for them. You can also finally start that New Year’s exercise regime by never having £2.40 for the bus.

You can be nostalgic about the last recession

We Brits love nostalgia. It’s usually about killing Germans, but why not get misty-eyed about the financial crash of 2008? Remember how we showed the old Blitz spirit and went round to each other’s houses with pies and bottles of ale to listen to Girls Aloud?