The Brexiter's guide to why recessions are brilliant

WITH the economy contracting partly due to Brexit, it is vital for Brexiters to pretend this is a good thing. Here diehard Leaver Roy Hobbs explains the many upsides.

People need toughening up

Our ancestors didn’t need modern luxuries like iPhones and jobs. A bit of recession hardship will lick the transgender snowflake generation into shape, which is vital if we need to storm the Normandy beaches again.

It’s good for the environment

Not making things conserves Mother Earth’s precious resources. Even if all environmentalists are workshy dreadlocked scum.

It’s good for social mobility

Politicians talk about improving life chances, but have they considered the benefits of everyone being dragged down to the same level? An unemployed doctor sitting down with an unemployed factory worker to smoke roll-ups is a vision of an equal society Dr Martin Luther King could only dream of.

It’s super-healthy!

Most of us could do with laying off the takeaways, and that’s easy if you can’t pay for them. You can also finally start that New Year’s exercise regime by never having £2.40 for the bus.

You can be nostalgic about the last recession

We Brits love nostalgia. It’s usually about killing Germans, but why not get misty-eyed about the financial crash of 2008? Remember how we showed the old Blitz spirit and went round to each other’s houses with pies and bottles of ale to listen to Girls Aloud?

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How to write an article about something stupid if you're an attention seeking arsehole

HI, I’m an attention seeking arsehole and I’m here to tell you how to write an article about something that you don’t understand that will get you the attention that you so greedily desire.

An eye catching title
Come up with something odd that’s bound to catch some eyes like, ‘Why I’ll never serve fish to a Brexiteer on Friday ever again,’ or ‘Come on Mrs May, show us your real vagina.’ It doesn’t have to make sense it just has to sound controversial.

Say you think Trump is doing a great job in a weird and unsubstantiated way. People will then read it and get annoyed but there will be something else for them to be annoyed about 10 minutes later so they’ll just be generally annoyed at the world around them as opposed to any of the shit you wrote.

Fact check (or don’t)
Facts aren’t what they used to be, so don’t worry if it doesn’t make any sense (nothing does). Just make some stuff up and attach some bollocks from the internet. Due to the fast pace of news and information who’s really going to have time to pull you up on it? Esther McVey? Exactly.

Why do you want to write this piece?
If your desire to write is to share an interesting angle on something you care about, just stop right now. Only write so that people on Twitter will think you’re great or a prick but will follow you either way. You might end up getting some odd fame from it that could lead you to getting into the Groucho Club where you might get to drink cocktails with Toby Young.