The Government’s real and completely amazing no-deal Brexit plans

THE Government has revealed its real no-deal Brexit plans, drawn up by Michael Gove and his 14-year-old son at their Cornish holiday cottage yesterday afternoon. The plans reveal the amazing benefits the UK will enjoy from October 31st.

Transport
Without unnecessary ‘kilometres’ on our cars’ speedometers, British vehicles will be able to go twice as fast perfectly safely. Trucks will not need to queue to cross the channel because they can simply jump it like Evel Knievel.

Medicines
Our country’s vital medical services will no longer be monopolised by untrustworthy experts gabbling in Latin. Instead, all remedies will be provided by the good, honest village wise-woman – or ‘witch’ – who will cure you with a handful of tiny spiders.

Food supplies
Food imports will decrease magnificently, meaning Britons will no longer be forced to eat foreign garbage. Our world-beating chefs will refocus on decent British crops like turnips and the mighty swede, accompanied by eels – all the more delicious because you caught them yourself with a shoelace and a safety pin.

Northern Ireland
If there’s no border between Northern Ireland and Ireland then Ireland is Northern Ireland and British again, just like it always should have been. How the EU was too stupid to spot that is a mystery.

Protests
Protests against how brilliant life is after Brexit are expected from sour-grapes Remainers desperate to make everyone as mediocre as them. They are to be pitied.

Woman’s handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles

A WOMAN’S designer leather handbag has gradually evolved into a crap-filled portable dustbin.

Emma Howard’s bag is so full of food wrappers, receipts, used tissues, crumbled face powder, tampons and other crap it takes her at least three hours to find her car keys.

Emma said: “I started off using it for a few chocolate wrappers when I couldn’t find a bin and it escalated from there.

“Next thing you know I was using it for everything…old shoes, flat tyres, a dead mouse the cat dragged in. I am pretty sure there’s a shopping trolley in there somewhere.

“I think the problem is that I really need a bigger bag.”

Emma’s, partner Tom, said: “I don’t understand how she can just carry a pile of sh*t around in her bag every day like it’s totally normal.

“She may as well use a bloody wheely bin.”