Best not to think about what cheese is, say experts

EXPERTS have agreed that it is best for everyone if we neither think about nor acknowledge what cheese actually is.

The Institute for Studies confirmed that while deep down we all know where is comes from, it would be detrimental to give it any thought at all.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s fine to think about what milk is, but not too much, and to exercise caution when considering the origin of yoghurt.

“But it’s best to imagine that cheese is simply grown in the ground, picked from a tree or manufactured in a laboratory.

“There is no other food with the, ahem, provenance of cheese that we eat as often. Therefore, it is pointless to concede that it is just a lump of curdled milk and it comes out of a cow’s big, dirty tit. We’d never eat it again. Oh God.”

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Whistleblower reveals Britain’s universities 'full of dweebs'

AN anonymous whistleblower has revealed that Britain’s universities are hotbeds of dweebish behaviour.

The source claimed that campuses across the country are now in the grip of the type of people who would rather read a book than drink a yard of lager then piss the bed.

The whistleblower said: “University is meant to be a safe space for youthful alcoholism. But there is a growing culture of dweebery which is making normal people very very uneasy.”

Self-proclaimed bookworm Helen Archer said: “I’m part of a new generation who don’t want to piss their borrowed money up the wall, and who aren’t interested in feeble, clichéd banter. So sue me.

“There are some extremist elements, though. Last weekend a rugby match was cancelled so some dweebs could re-create the Destruction of Isengard from Lord of the Rings.

“It’s been reported, but nothing seems to have been done.”