The judgmental bastard’s guide to poverty

WITH new poverty figures just out, do you feel poor people are basically scum who bring it on themselves? Here’s how to be a judgmental bastard about poverty.

Claim poor people all have loads of pets

They did on that clearly trustworthy Channel 5 documentary, Skint and Skiving. Is it really too much to ask that they grill a couple of hamsters for a cheap and nutritious meal?

Do a bizarre calculation about food costs

Speaking of food, no poor person ever cooks cheaply. However you’ve worked out a 25kg sack of oats would feed a family of four for seven weeks for £20 if they only ate porridge made with water instead of milk. They could fry up congealed bits for variety.

Say they should have done better at school

Let’s face it, poor people are the type who mucked about at school. Or just weren’t very academic. Whatever. Luckily they now know the value of education, which will prevent them being poor once boffins find a way to reverse time and make them 11 again.

Ask why they have mobile phones

As everyone knows, all mobiles cost the same as a top-of-the-range iPhone and are purely a frivolous luxury item like a life-size clockwork peacock.

Make stuff up

Your mate Keith knew a family that went to food banks, but when he went round to their house it was full of diamonds. Buckets of them. Just because this didn’t happen doesn’t mean it can’t illustrate a wider point about why ‘poverty’ is bollocks.