The Mash guide to avoiding a shark attack

SHARK attacks are a regular occurrence in modern Britain, but what most people don’t know is they’re actually largely avoidable. Here’s how:

Stay out of the sea
Nearly all shark attacks take place in the sea so first and foremost stay away from the sea. Even if it means physically never leaving the house ever again. You’ll thank us when you’re not getting eaten by that shark.

Stay away from the beach

You might think you can still go the beach but what if a shark somehow managed to get halfway out of the sea, grab you in it’s jaws and then drag you back out into the ocean. To avoid this stay in on the couch and play Xbox instead.

Don’t go to any pubs or bars
Whilst there may not be any sharks actively in the pub or bar, there could be gangsters and you might spill one of their drinks and then they take you off to some massive warehouse they have which has got sharks in a big pool in it and then feed you to them.

Buys lots of tinned food and bottled water and barricade yourself in the house

The simplest way to avoid being eaten by a shark is to nail two pieces of wood across your front door, buy lots of bottled water (remember ‘a running tap is a shark’s open window’) and buy a few hundred pounds worth of tinned food, meaning you’ll not have to risk leaving the house anytime soon and being devoured by one of Britain’s many Great Whites.