The Mash guide to avoiding a shark attack

SHARK attacks are a regular occurrence in modern Britain, but what most people don’t know is they’re actually largely avoidable. Here’s how:

Stay out of the sea
Nearly all shark attacks take place in the sea so first and foremost stay away from the sea. Even if it means physically never leaving the house ever again. You’ll thank us when you’re not getting eaten by that shark.

Stay away from the beach

You might think you can still go the beach but what if a shark somehow managed to get halfway out of the sea, grab you in it’s jaws and then drag you back out into the ocean. To avoid this stay in on the couch and play Xbox instead.

Don’t go to any pubs or bars
Whilst there may not be any sharks actively in the pub or bar, there could be gangsters and you might spill one of their drinks and then they take you off to some massive warehouse they have which has got sharks in a big pool in it and then feed you to them.

Buys lots of tinned food and bottled water and barricade yourself in the house

The simplest way to avoid being eaten by a shark is to nail two pieces of wood across your front door, buy lots of bottled water (remember ‘a running tap is a shark’s open window’) and buy a few hundred pounds worth of tinned food, meaning you’ll not have to risk leaving the house anytime soon and being devoured by one of Britain’s many Great Whites.

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Child two hours late for school 'because she can do her zip by herself'

A GIRL was late for school because she insisted she could do her coat up all on her own.

Four-year-old Kerry Howard spent three hours trying to do her zip up and screaming at anyone who offered to help, before they finally left the house.

Her mother, Emma Howard, said: “It’s great that she wants to be independent but I wish she wasn’t such a dick about it.

“She is happy for me to make her some juice or wipe her arse but when it comes to putting her coat on, getting into the car or doing her shoes up, she insists she can  ‘do it by herself’.

 “The thing is, she’s a bloody liar, she can’t do any of those things. ‘Do it myself’ actually means she’ll eventually have a massive sodding tantrum at me like it’s my fault.

“In the end, I have to tell her she can have a Jaffa Cake if she lets me do it for her.”

Kerry Howard said: “Of course I can do it myself. I’m not an idiot. I just wanted a Jaffa Cake.”