Remainers buying tickets to 'Festival of Brexit' after rumours there will be tinned food

COMMITTED remainers are being lured to the upcoming ‘Festival of Brexit’ after hearing rumours there will be something to eat.

The festival, previously dismissed as a national embarrassment on an almost unimaginable scale, is now hoping to attractive large, ravenous crowds by laying on tinned meat and spaghetti hoops.

Remainer Julian Cook said: “Rumours have been flying around the remain campfires that if you actually sit all the way through one of the performances you might get some sort of tinned pudding.”

Fellow remainer Sarah Young had thought of going to the festival simply to rub it in the faces of Brexiters that all her predictions were correct.

She added: “But if there is chance of a small pie, I might even be willing to join in the traditional chants of ‘traitor traitor traitor’ directed at whoever isn’t visibly aroused by their blue passports.”

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Woman watching man tune guitar loses libido and will to live

A MAN has made such a pretentious faff of tuning a guitar before playing it that his girlfriend can feel the life force seeping out of her.

Martin Bishop, 29, invited Helen Archer back to his place for a nightcap, before casually picking up his acoustic guitar and ruining the whole evening for both of them.

Archer said: “I thought we were going back for a shag, so initially I was prepared to indulge him if he wanted to wank his way through Don’t Look Back In Anger first.

“Unfortunately we didn’t get that far because he spent a very long time tuning it with an expression of such tortured concentration that I couldn’t help but imagine him on the toilet trying to squeeze out an exceptionally reluctant shit.

“I stopped fancying him after about fifteen minutes and wanted to garrotte myself with one of his guitar strings not long after that, so it’s fair to say that I don’t see things working out well for us.”

Bishop said: “Helen was so overwhelmed by my incredible musicianship that she left before I’d even played a song.”

“I haven’t heard from her since so she must still be recovering.”