Alkaline water better than alcohol for making people talk bollocks

THE new health trend of drinking alkaline enhanced water has proven as effective as alcohol at making people talk a lot of shit.

Alkaline is said to clear your skin and improve focus but it also has the ability to make sober people sound like twats.

It has taken Tom Logan, 34, just two weeks of drinking the water with a higher PH for his friends to no longer take him seriously.

Friend of Tom Logan, Stephen Malley said: “Tom recently told me alkaline water could cure nits and Aids.

“That’s ten Jagerbombs level bullshit.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Alkaline water is just slightly knobbed around water but it does has a magic ingredient; it’s endorsed by Beyonce.

“She could say she gets better sleep by sitting on a turnip and people would believe it, which makes it more potent than Tequila.”

Bullshit alkaline water drinker Tom Logan said: “I have improved circulation, thicker hair and I can communicate with dogs. The pugs are very funny. It’s incredible stuff.”

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Hammond delivers upbeat Budget based on drug-induced dreamscape filled with electric unicorns

CHANCELLOR Philip Hammond has predicted an economic boom after a dream he had about electric unicorns.

Unveiling his last Budget before Brexit, Mr Hammond said he had been experimenting with synthetic hallucinogens which lead to a dream in which Britain’s future had ‘crystallised in incredibly vivid colour and detail’.

He told the House of Commons: “It began with a spinning kaleidoscope and the sound of a million bagpipes before I found myself standing in an ultra high-definition vision of Sunderland.

“There were rows and rows of lovely, affordable houses and next to each house was an electric unicorn with a charging cable plugged into its bottom.

“Happy families would skip out of their houses, jump on their unicorns and fly to a bustling high street filled with vibrant market stalls selling all the many fruits and vegetables of the world.

“And all the teachers and nurses and policemen were also electric unicorns that had no need of above inflation pay rises.

“It was luscious.”

Mr Hammond then turned very pale, vomitted into the prime minister’s face and collapsed.

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